Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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