I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
