the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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