I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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