So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
