there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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