im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
