She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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