You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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