I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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