at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
