What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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