I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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