the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
