Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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