JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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