Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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