Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
