i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
