my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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