It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
