Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
