so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
