I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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