I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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