Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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