Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
