He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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