Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
