I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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