i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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