You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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