If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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