currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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