Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
