i would punch a child for taco bell
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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