Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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