Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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