there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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