just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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