So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
