Fuck appropriateness.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
