Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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