i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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