I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize