finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
