I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
