the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
