This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
