Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
