she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
