bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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