Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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