I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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