Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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