We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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