it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I am midnight drunk by noon
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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